I found out this week that my favorite breakfast bar is no longer being made.
You’d think Slim Fast would put a warning sign on the last of the boxes in the store saying, “STOCK UP, PEOPLE!!! WE’RE PULLING THE PLUG!!!”
(I’m not one to eat Slim Fast products, but I am one to grab something out of the pantry to eat for breakfast on the way to work.)
And this breakfast bar was my favorite! It was chocolate chip cookie dough flavored with just a hint of crushed up vitamins!
My relationship with this bar went as far back as 2004, when I lived in New York and had to be at the bus stop early and therefore had no time for breakfast that involved a plate.
I’ve moved on to other breakfast bars over the years, but every time I eat those Slim Fast Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ones, I'm reminded of pounding the grey streets, taking the PATH train and napping in Central Park.
But, NO MORE. The breakfast bars are gone. FINITO. It took me awhile to accept this. I first blamed the grocery store near my house for not stocking up on them.
Then, I couldn’t find them at other grocery stores, or the gas station. Or the health food store. I then took my search to the internet.
“This product is no longer available.”
“No longer available”
“Out of stock”
While annoying, I’m not surprised. Many products I have loved no longer exist. Maybe I should just stop liking things, because in my experience, they’ll fold or go out of business or…be a figment of my imagination.
Let’s re-visit the graveyard…
1.) Surge Soda. I credit this beverage for getting me through high school, and still to this day, I drink caffeinated soda before 10 a.m. out of habit.
Surge was bright green, cool and crisp, and much better than that Mountain Dew crap.
It also had twice or three times the amount of caffeine as any other soda, making it perfect for people like me who prefer to sleep all day but can’t.
Surge stopped being made when I was in college. I didn’t notice, since I exclusively drank beer, but when I stopped for a minute to find my soda, I couldn't find it. It was already gone.
I think I might have cried.
I googled SURGE SODA, since I google pretty much everything (cold and flu symptoms, my boyfriend’s name, Lindasy Lohan )
The internet confirmed that Surge wasn’t being made anymore, but I wasn’t the only one mad about it.
They had these “bring back Surge” groups online, and a list of all the places where Surge was still being served in drink dispensers. I looked for a location near me.
“THE CHUCKY CHEESE ON HIGHWAY 17!”
Oh, you better believe that I called the Chucky Cheese when I was a freshman in college to confirm this, even though I didn’t have a car to even get there.
I was too late. No Surge at the Chucky Cheese.
Now, the only Surge soda left in the world is being sold on EBAY for quite a profit. (If I could go back in time I would have bought 100 cans and would be a very, very rich girl.)
Four years ago, I reignited my passion for Surge Soda and searched on EBAY for just one can. Just one can to reminisce as as present for my 23rd birthday. And you know what? It only cost $40, plus shipping.
(It was a little flat.) But, delicious!!
2.) JANE Magazine This is the best magazine in the whole world. My favorite, favorite magazine and I used to read it cover to cover the minute it arrived in the mailbox every month.
This was the magazine I wanted to work for. The magazine I dreamt about. I followed a journalism path in college JUST so I could live in New York and write for Jane. Jane, Jane, Jane! That was my mantra.
So, of course, Jane folded several years ago.
My face crumbled when I first heard about it. I don’t remember if I cried, but I certainly felt like it. All my hopes and dreams were crushed. It was something I had wanted for at least four years, and now it had disappeared in thin air.
(I even FLEW IN FROM SPAIN WHEN I STUDIED ABROAD to interview as an intern for JANE, only to be told when I arrived that oops, JANE already had enough interns, would I consider interning for Women’s Wear Daily? That was the biggest buzzkill of my life.)
A few months ago, when I visited my parents’ house in New Orleans, I found an old Jane magazine, flipped through the pages, and admired the hilarious writing, wishing that I could have been a part of it.
Maybe if I didn't love it so much, it would still be around.
3.) Wedding Plans
I’m not someone who makes plans, period, let along wedding plans. But, I did find a truly beautiful engagement ring and perfect honeymoon spot, and both…don’t exist.
First, the honeymoon spot. It was the most perfect place I had ever seen. It was in the movie My Father the Hero (Katherine Heigel…hot).
I saw the movie in high school, and fell in love with the little bungalow and hotel where the two main characters stayed on the beach.
It was gorgeous and fun and perfect and MAN, BUNGALOWS ARE AWESOME and so was the dancing by the pool and the reggae band. I wanted it all. ALL INCLUSIVE!!!!
So, in high school, bored in biology class and access to the internet, I googled the movie My Father the Hero and looked at where it was filmed in order to see just WHERE I’d be honeymooning. (I’m…special.)
Turns out it was filmed in Nassau, Bahamas.
Good, good, now we’re getting somewhere!!! I looked up Nassau on a map. But, the bungalows! The hotel with the pool! Where was THAT??? I researched more.
Oh, of course.
The movie company BUILT the entire set for the movie and then dismantled it when filming was over. There are no bungalows. There is no reggae band. I hung my head in disappointment.
And the engagement ring! In college, I saw some earrings in JANE magazine (of course) and stalked the jeweler’s website. I was thoroughly impressed with all the jewelry on the site and my mouse wandered over to the Engagement Rings tab.
There it was, the most beautiful ring I’d ever seen, ever, and I decided THAT was the ring I wanted. I showed it to everyone.
When my brother visited me in New York, we ended up in the neighborhood where the jeweler had a store and I BEGGED, BEGGED, BEGGED him to walk in and pretend he was getting engaged to look at that ring. He told me no, and told me I was nuts.
A few years ago, I looked up the ring again, and didn’t see it online. WHAT WAS GOING ON? I searched some more. I googled it. Nothing came up. I panicked.
“Hi, I noticed that this ring wasn’t on your site anymore,” I emailed to the contact person on the site. “Do you still make it?”
I’ll admit this was a little a lot desperate. What did I care anyway? I didn’t even have a boyfriend at the time.
I got an email back shortly after. “We are no longer making that style of ring for sale; it can still be made by special order. Also, we’re getting rid of all our excess inventory and the ring you’ve requested is now being offered at 20 percent off. Would you like to schedule an appointment?”
No, I didn’t want an appointment with my non-boyfriend. I didn’t write back, and took the jeweler’s website off my bookmarks bar.
I felt stupid all of a sudden. No ring, no honeymoon spot! No career publication!!!!! It was a bad week. Very “woe is me.”
The only thing that could make me feel better is a Surge soda. And a Slim Fast bar!
Wait, dammit twice.
Excuse me while I check EBAY.